Mismatched libido: when desire differs

Desire discrepancy — one partner wanting sex more often than the other — is one of the most common issues couples bring to sex therapists. It's not a sign that something is broken.

Common causes

• Stress, sleep, work and caring responsibilities.
• Medication (including some antidepressants and hormonal contraception).
• Health changes: pregnancy, menopause, chronic illness, pain.
• Relationship tension or unresolved conflict.
• Orientation differences, such as one partner being on the asexual spectrum.

Spontaneous and responsive desire

Some people feel desire 'out of the blue' (spontaneous). Others feel it mainly once intimacy has started (responsive). Neither is wrong. Understanding which you each lean toward can change how you approach intimacy.

How to talk about it

1. Pick a neutral time, not right after a rejection.
2. Use 'I' statements: 'I miss feeling close to you.'
3. Get curious about what makes intimacy feel easy or hard for each of you.
4. Agree on small experiments rather than big promises.

When to get help

If desire has changed suddenly, is causing distress, or is linked to pain, see a clinician. A sex therapist can help couples find new patterns.