The yes / no / maybe list, step by step

The yes / no / maybe list is the most boring-looking and most useful tool in modern sex education. It's a checklist of activities, possibilities, and dynamics. Each person fills it in privately, then you compare. That's the whole exercise.

The reason it works isn't the list. It's that it gives both of you permission to think clearly about what you actually want, away from the other person's face and reactions.

Step 1 — Find or build the list

Several reputable, non-sketchy versions exist online: Scarleteen's, Bex Talks Sex's, and Sunny Megatron's are all good. Print one or copy it into a shared doc. A solid list has anywhere from 50 to 300 items grouped by category: sensation, location, roles, body parts, fantasies, kink-adjacent, hard limits.

Step 2 — Fill it in alone

Not together. Not over dinner. Alone, somewhere private, when you have at least 30 quiet minutes. For each item you mark one of four things:

• Yes — I'd enjoy this; I'd actively choose it.
• Maybe — under the right conditions; tell me more.
• Not now — not at this stage of my life or this relationship.
• Hard no — never with anyone, full stop.

Resist the urge to fill it in as the person you want to be. Fill it in as the person you actually are right now.

Step 3 — Compare, gently

Sit down together with both lists. Use these rules:

1. Start with the yes-and-yes overlaps. Celebrate them. Plan one.
2. Then talk about each other's maybes — only ask "what would make this a yes?"
3. Skip the nos entirely. A no is a no; you don't owe an argument.
4. Note the hard nos somewhere shared so neither of you forgets.

Step 4 — Re-do it

Preferences change. Relationships change. People who've done this exercise once and then never again are working off a snapshot that might be years out of date. A useful cadence: once a year, or after any big life change.

Common mistakes

• Filling it in together (kills the privacy that makes it work).
• Treating it as a contract instead of a snapshot.
• Arguing about the other person's list.
• Using it to score relationship compatibility instead of to find next steps.